Cursed. I continued staring at the trunk of the Mallorn tree, sight ever fixed, eyes unmoving. A hand was waved in front of my face yet I merely gazed through it. “Hello?” Pippin had decided it was his mission to get me to look elsewhere and proceeded to interfere. “Hello? Elf-Princess?” I merely blinked, allowing a single tear to drift down my cheek. He turned, defeated, to his friend Merry, “I don’t think that she can hear you, Pip.” “Why?” After several minutes of intense discussion, Aragorn decided to cast some mercy for me onto the situation and grabbed both hobbits by the scruff of the neck, towing them away.

My eyes were as unforgiving as stone, stern as steel. Someone would pay for this pain, no thought of mercy slipped into my thought. The Dark Armies would be destroyed. I clenched my fist tightly, knuckles turning a hateful white. My emotions were torn between despair and cold fury. After many moments I decided to lapse into the second, its effects easier to cope with than those of the first. Yet even in my confused thoughts I knew that I had only set up a shield against the outside, a wall of steel protecting my heart from the harsh effects of the world. And even I knew that the longer I held it up, the harder I would fall when it shattered. I was prepared to run that risk and my weakened eyes glinted as polished metal as the barrier went up. I expected it not to splinter for many a week. And then, hopefully, I would have dropped this feigned strength, something that would protect my feelings. But I understood myself too well. I would not drop the handle until the last possible moment. And then it would be too late. I cared not. I must continue on.

*

I was as cold as ice, frozen to the world outside, committing only my duty to the Ringbearer. I would speak only when spoken to, and only then in dire circumstances. I was in self-induced isolation, staying safely behind my cold walls. Behind them, I felt a sense of protection and strength, even if it was truly false. I cast aside that truth and focused on carefully building my walls, or bars. I knew I was locking out Middle-Earth, and discovered a sense of slight happiness at living without sorrow or tears, or memories. I had been left to my own thoughts, and was no longer pestered. I was alone, finally. I would concentrate on the queerest of things, facts instead of emotions. I was cautious to prevent cracking my own barrier, locking my feelings inside my heart, expressing no mood excluding one of neutral acceptance. I did not accept much, except that my life was cursed, and the only way to survive was to block everything out. Lothlorien was a mere haze, a short dream that was only a moment to escape the quest. I would not leave the Fellowship. My pride was as hard as my boundaries, and I would not neglect the choice I made in becoming part of the mission. Not abandon such a task, and it was my comfort, a job in which I could become so involved in that I forget all else. I cast my eyes briefly over the lights of the land of the Dreamflower and concentrated on the stars, shafts of sharp light, seemingly so close, yet so far from reach, beautiful to behold, yet as distant beyond anything elves could measure. I softly smiled before placing a hand to my sword hilt. I would survive this quest. Even if it was to break me.

*

I, alone of the Fellowship, did not glance back at Lothlorien on the departure. I stared forward, gripping the small jewel I had been gifted. For one must always look in front, there was no use in dwelling on the past. That I knew well. Sam tapped my shoulder and I flinched. “Will you not look back at the elven-city?” “No,” I replied coolly, straining my eyes onto the path ahead. I knew not what it held for us, nor for me either, and did not expect any answers. For the Road Holds No Answers. That I knew well. It never holds any answers… I impatiently brushed a slightly mournful tear off my pale cheek and continued to look intently ahead. I would endure this torment of life. I tightened my clasp onto the gleaming gem; my eyes glittering with unshed tears that I would never allow to fall. I was as ice yet I would not crack, nor shatter. I would not break. I would not fail. I would not.